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By Gregory Han
Like an internet coelacanth, Craigslist swims along unapologetically unchanged. But I’m not complaining, it’s the closest we’ll get to public access television on the internet, a clearinghouse of unbridled hopes and a cesspool of the basest desires all served in the same minimally formatted HTML denomination. You can learn a lot about a city’s people through the countless missed connections, jobs listings, and all the strange items people try to give away or sell, and Los Angeles reveals itself to be every bit as weird as you’d guess, even when you skip the “casual connections” and “misc romance” listings:
I hate when people talk or text during movies, but I might make an exception for this sort of interruption:
You Farted During “Boyhood” — mw4m (Missed Connections)
As the sun began to set on screen, the teenage boy, no longer a boy, transitions into an adult, before our very eyes, and looks, intently, lustfully into a young girls eyes, as if to lean in for a kiss, and braaaaaaap. Another fart from the back row, like two giant hands clapping together, and the screen goes dark, roll credits. We decided, after laughing our way out of the theatre, and all the way home, that this was the best movie that we had ever seen. I imagine the lone fartist sauntering off into the sunset. His work here done.
If only I could say thank you, kind sir. You are truly a master of your craft.
Of course this is happening on the Westside.
I’m looking for women to join me and some friends doing nude yoga. It is a coed class located in West Los Angeles Tuesday nights at 8pm. Let me know if you’d like to attend, it’s free for women.
Business opportunities galore await! Just a paltry $350 investment and you’ve got yourself the beginnings of a promising enterprise with great market penetration potential.
Lots for sale or trade (General for Sale)
New adult toy lot of 105 pieces $350
Someone is going to be in BIG trouble come Thanksgiving break.
Poem you wrote me — w4m (Missed Connections)
I found it this morning on a pink sticky note. I saw you leave it, but was too shy to approach you. It read:
You hit my
car asshole
BMW that was
parked behind
you, got your
license plate #
It is a lovely composition, but one thing left me a bit confused: I didn’t realize cars had assholes too! Where exactly is the asshole on the car? You may be thinking “you know where the asshole is because you hit it!” But you are mistaken because I did no such thing.
Living amongst movie industry types means Halloween can get a little strange here in Los Angeles:
Halloween prop rentals, hospital props (General for Sale)
I have an assortment of medical and halloween items including taxidermy for rent.
And my personal favorite:
I need to get rid of this rooster i bought 4 days ago in Chinatown. ANYONE WHO WANTS HIM CAN HAVE HIM. Its not that hes not a cool rooster, its just that I live in a close suburban community and its not zoned for like… idk fowl or livestock or something and everyone is mad at me. He’s literally the chillest rooster ever. When he’s not kicken like a chicken in my bathroom he’s driving around with me or sleeping in a box by my bed helping me pick up dah ladies.
I mean look at these pictures.
Yeah.. so please call or text me if you want him. His name is Prince Orsini Wallace.
Got a LA tip for The Bold Italic? Email tips@thebolditalic.com.
